I was on the fence about this post, wasn't sure how raw and vulnerable to present it. But as my friendtor Amanda says - "You've gotta write it, and share it."
I do a lot of things in and out of my professional life always with the purpose of growing. With many of my opportunities for improvement bubbling up in unbarable ways this year, I've had no choice but to face and fight my demons.
The lessons and moments that made my year::
Winter:
My partner on an independent creative project came to an honest self-assessment that he didn't want to continue. I wasn't ready to hear this nor did I want to. I tried hard to rescue the partnership. It didn't work and I became resentful.
Spring:
I was promoted to a Sales Manager role at work - a huge win with major thanks to my boss at the time.
In my personal life I negotiated full ownership of the aforementioned creative project. Was still feeling resentful about my partner exiting but I knew that I wanted to continue with my vision. I felt I needed change in my life so I moved apartments: new energy, new housemate, new neighborhood (and lower rent!)
Summer:
Can't say specifically what - but something was bothering me. I stress ate, stress drank, and people could tell something was off. Serendipity or luck was on my side however; I was noticed for my elevated skills by someone who would soon become my new boss. We had a few chats, I said no... then I said yes and made a lateral move to the Personal Stylist team - It's true I'm like a cat, I come around on my terms!
Fall:
Lots of introspection and spiritual work - the resentment about my former creative partner leaving was still there. Nothing triggers me like a project or timeline that doesn't come to fruition as I envisioned. I had a strong friend guide me through the waters: I made a self assessment of what worked, and especially what hadn't - and all signs pointed to my deep rooted insecurity and control issues. I acknowledged this, wrote it down, made a plan, and apologized to those who needed it from me.
I also dog-sat a fabulous and free spirited German Sheperd named Chance. He weighs as much as me, is 4-years old and not socialized with other dogs - LOVES chihuahuas though. Because of this, I was not confident taking him to the dog park and he pooped all over my friend's studio in protest on the third day. As a way to get his energies out we became urban hike buds and worked up a routine; I'd wake up early, make coffee, play a record, light incense, and then we'd sprint up and down Nob Hill to get his anxiety out. TMI but I monitored the hell out of his pooping schedule after that third day. He helped me more than he'll ever know.
I also realized that I'm young, but no longer in my 20's - I almost didn't make it to my brother's 10-year celebration of life - he passed in 2009 to a brief battle with Leukemia - I had almost debilitating muscle spasms the morning of his celebration - sidenote, is this your mid-30's, back pain? - but I made it and it was a fabulous time. My mom sang a Mexican ranchera song in his honor and I had 20 street tacos. MAJOR win!
December 2019:
A full year later, I've battled and defeated the biggest demons I've ever faced - they are pride, ego, and anger.
I love what I do for work - Personal Styling aligns perfectly with who I am, the direction my life is headed, and how I excel.
As for the creative project, it is still very much on my mind and I've come to terms with moving slow and steady - it's a fashion project; I have the Instagram up and running and aim to build community first, and launch with product when timing is right. I'm learning to be more patient every day. It seems small to most but for me that is HUGE.
To the me from a year ago I say only three things: I forgive you. Lean in, and let go.